The Only Diet You’ll Ever Need

Having read about 40,000 women’s magazines’ prescriptions for healthy eating, I have finally crafted my own excellent plan.
Breakfast: Every morning I separate the yolks from the whites of 3 cage-free eggs and flush them down the toilet. Then I eat the shells with a side of ranch dressing.
Midmorning snack: To maintain energy for the 10 o’clock hour, I take 8 roasted almonds and stuff them in my bra so no one knows which way my nipples are pointing. Then I eat a jar of tartar sauce and suck down a nitris balloon.
Lunch: There’s a wonderful Middle Eastern place near my work that makes fresh salads with lentils, so I order one and while they’re making it I leap the counter, grab the spit of roasting gyro meat, and gnaw on it as I run through the back alleys of Providence.
3 p.m.: I take a baggie w/ 8 carrot sticks out of my desk drawer and arrange them in a square. Then I place a hot fudge sundae in the carrot square and eat that.
Dinner: is usually grilled salmon with brown rice and roasted veggies.
For a sweet late night treat, I skewer an entire loaf of white bread on a knife sharpener, spread it with butter and Cool Whip (TM) and eat it like an ear of corn.
While this will do very little for your thighs or other “problem areas,” this diet allows you to exude light sweet crude and have an unstoppable nose whistle.


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