To make this, take one of those resealable bags of pepperoni that has been opened on the wrong side of the package and move toward the trash can, thinking, “this is probably mostly snouts, must go.” Eat all the remaining pieces of pepperoni before you get to the trash can. Say to self, “at least it was turkey pepperoni, and them things don’t have snouts per se.”
Turn your attention back to your laptop, which is perched on the coffee maker. Review last hour’s work, make some changes. Stop. Cool face in refrigerator, eat a piece of cheese. Consider that Lactaid could be stored in kitchen to avoid the feeling that you are punching yourself in the gut every time you eat cheese. Eat another piece of cheese.
It is important at this time to counteract the direction of this pie, which is: carcinogens and personally intolerable delicious items. Probably is fine to eat a piece of raw asparagus, can’t be too unpleas… oh. Is the worst, so stringy.
Add one large glass of filtered water sans ice to the mix. Then some orange juice. Make some coffee. While brewing, prepare main element of pie:
Okay, eat an apple. Eat several grapes. Feel lucky to have fruit around. Drink the coffee that has just brewed. If at this point the pie isn’t shaping up, you can substitute: Twizzlers, what your life partner calls your “swill” (any short pasta, cooked, in straight chicken broth with a lot of Sriracha and small shake of parmesan cheese, which is excellent if you are ill and is not swill but swell), the non-brown parts of an avocado, a child’s gummy vitamin.
Serve piping hot, or bitterly cold, or the temperature of that white square in the middle of your laptop’s power cord.