When confronted with options for when, what kind, and how often you get the plague, even though it’s largely not up to you, there’s a lot to consider.
Omicron
This is a full-bodied variant, with a violent attack, notes of rotted wood and psychotic fermentation in the joints and a spicy jalapeño-like fire that rests in the eyes. It has a distant-hooves type start, a pounding drinkability, and leaves a burnt-tissue-paper-and-razor sensation in the gullet. With a firm grip on the muscles, this variant balances searing pain, constant achey-ness and heavy inner ear pressure with an overall impression of air molecules moving farther apart, but inside your head and face. This heady variant surprises with its reach and persistence. Inspiring feelings of terminal decline and that you’ve not done enough for your friends and family, never mind society at large, Omicron has a lot of bang for the buck. Paired with Paxlovid, Omicron loses its strength within roughly 4 days; Paxlovid yields its own surprises, including dominant and unceasing notes of metal, rear bumper, or blood in the mouth, as well as a completely shredded tongue that you can only look at once before crying in the bathroom, and some interesting gastrointestinal issues.
Omicron goes well with no food, and has an extremely long finish if one survives it, typically involving two months of furtive depression, confusion, forgetfulness and exhaustion. Residual Covid-induced asthma can be addressed with Advair. Dispensed in a vessel that looks disarmingly like a Happy Meal toy, Advair has a dusty start, continues through a muddied dip in the space-time continuum, raises a buttery specter and finally, will make your ass hit the floor.
BA.5
(or BA.4 or maybe BA.2.12.1)
A surprise contender that arrived on the market when it was considered unavailable to many Omicron-ers, this is a melony, more restrained variant that nonetheless has a powerful effect on its subjects. Creeping in with a runny nose and ear pain, but only on one side, BA5 pairs well with sleep, over the counter painkillers, gallons upon gallons of water, and perhaps a heatwave. One of the most popular variants on the market, BA.5 has hints of capitulation, an advanced frustration level and a concentration of berry fruits. This variant has wide appeal, and has been adopted (in an unscientific sample based on an introvert’s passing virtual and in-home conversations) by preschoolers, fourth graders, middle schoolers, high school students, college students and older brothers. One taster said he was “Sick on Thursday, helpless and delirious on Friday and Saturday, Sunday I was just plain old sick again, Monday I was feeling better and I got the treatment on Tuesday.” Another described the experience as “trashy.”
BA.5 is compelling when paired with an antigen IV treatment but does not complement a heavy workload, a climate emergency, a time ripe ripe ripe for concerted political activism or any kind of interpersonal relating.
At present, these are the only two variants for which we have notes. As a boutique outlet with no plans to become a virus superstore, we hope to have no updated notes on other vintages, monkeypox, or God forbid, parechovirus.
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